Losing the Forbidden: Forbidden Series #2 Read online

  “You’re a twat,” I mumble, getting up and putting the cans I’d already drained into the kitchen. I can’t really say too much; I deserve it after all the stick I’ve given him over the years.

  “Aren’t we going to Dec’s?” I ask when I spot a taxi idling outside our house.

  “We thought we’d be a little more adventurous.”

  Usually the prospect of a night out with my mates would excite me. They’re getting fewer and fewer now that they’re both loved up, but for the first time since meeting them, I think I’d rather spend the night at home alone as I continue to argue with myself about what I do.

  Every time I’ve bumped into Liv in the house the last few days, she’s tried to convince me to go home. She knows I’m torn, and I think she’s hoping that by reiterating what Chris said about Mum and Lauren potentially needing me, it’ll make me go. I understand what she’s trying to do. She thinks it’s for the best. But she doesn’t understand the clusterfuck that I’d walk into. I’m pretty sure me turning up while Mum and Lauren try to deal with their grief is the last thing they need.

  When the taxi pulls up in front of the strip club, I drag Dec and Liam to every year for my birthday, I almost refuse to go inside. My head’s too full of my previous life and her to have any desire to be surrounded by naked women. The prospect of possibly seeing Lauren again in only a few days has old cravings that used to consume my entire being returning.

  Since getting that first phone call from Chris, every single memory I have of our time together is on fucking repeat in my mind. I see her out on the decking, surrounded by twinkling fairy lights that first night we spent together. I picture her laid out on a picnic blanket with the sun lightening her already fair hair. It’s fucking torture. It’s been six years; how I can still want her this badly is beyond me. She’s just a memory now, but fuck if my body doesn’t react as if she’s right in front of me once again.

  “What’s wrong? You want to celebrate that that arsehole’s out of your life for good, right?” Liam asks. I’ve barely scratched the surface with the details of my past life, but Liv’s clearly passed on what a cunt my stepdad was. Dec’s mouth drops open in surprise. It’s really not like Liam to talk ill of anyone. “What?” he asks, his brows drawing together. “Liv said—”

  “She was right. I think I described him as a waste of good oxygen. Come on, let’s do this,” I say with more enthusiasm than I feel. I’ve become a master at plastering a smile on my face and giving the impression that I’m okay, so I should be able to manage it for a night out. With my two best friends trying to support me the only way they know how, I can’t exactly walk away from them.

  Dec and Liam lead me to a table right at the front of the stage. It’s where I always drag them when I bring them here, but today, it’s the last place I want to be. Glancing over my shoulder to the booths in the back corner, I let out a sigh and pull out a chair. I don’t want to come across like an ungrateful arsehole, but if I have to spend a few hours here, I’d rather be hiding in the shadows.

  A tray of shots magically appears on our table and I waste no time in reaching for one and downing it.

  Other than visiting the toilet, my arse stays firmly in the chair while Dec and Liam look at me like I’ve grown an extra head. It’s not like me not to partake in everything offered in a place like this, but I already know it’s not going to have the effect I usually crave. Sex and alcohol were my escape until that phone call. Now, nothing seems to quash the ache inside me and my desire for the only woman who’s ever had a place in my heart.

  I can only put up with the club and the concerned looks on my best friends’ faces for so long. I down my drink and excuse myself, making it look like I’m heading to the toilets. Instead, I slip out the exit when both Dec and Liam are preoccupied with the girl up on the stage.

  Sucking in a lungful of fresh night air, I feel like a pussy. I never leave a party. Well, BJ never leaves a party. I seem to be Ben more and more these days, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. The protective layers I’ve put around myself are being peeled away faster than I know how to deal with.

  I don’t bother calling a taxi. Hoping the long, peaceful walk will do me some good, I set off towards home. Home…I might love this place, but it won’t ever truly be home. Home is where the heart is, and I left that in London a long time ago.

  “Whoa, you guys are back early,” Liv says, reaching for the remote to pause whatever she’s watching when I eventually get back. Looking behind me for her boyfriend, her brows knit together.

  “I couldn’t stick it.”

  “This really is getting to you, isn’t it?”

  Falling down on the sofa, I drop my head back and scrub my palms over my face.

  “I don’t know what to fucking do,” I admit.

  She’s silent for so long that I don’t think she’s going to answer. Her stare burns my skin, so after a few more seconds, I drag my head up and look at her.

  “I think we both know what you need to do, Ben.” Her voice is soft and her eyes hopeful. “As much as I want to demand you stay here because it’s where you belong, I think we both know it’s a lie. You’re just using this place to hide. Whatever really happened is in the past now. He’s gone. Whatever happened between the two of you, it’s over.”

  “It’s not really about him.”

  She nods at me to continue, and I try to swallow down the lump in my throat.

  “It’s my…” I cast my eyes away because, for how supportive Liv is, I have no idea what she’ll think to what I have to say next. “My stepsister. We…something happened between us.” Blowing out a long breath, I continue to stare at the wall and will the tears that are starting to burn the backs of my eyes away.

  Liv’s quiet for the longest time. When she does eventually respond, my chest constricts painfully. “You really love her, don’t you? Even after all these years.”

  I open my mouth to respond but no words come. The lump I was trying to get rid of returns as images of Lauren fill my mind.

  “Jesus, BJ. You need to see her. You need to…” she trails off. She doesn’t know enough about the situation to give advice, and I think she knows that. After casting her eyes away for a second in thought, she turns back to me and tries a different tack. “What’s her name?”

  “L…Lauren,” I whisper. Pain twists my heart at just the sound.

  “Pretty. I know you don’t have to listen to me, and I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but…don’t waste any more time. I know you’re scared, but what if she still feels as strongly about you as you do her? Don’t regret not finding out the truth.”

  “You need to stop doing this,” I complain when her words hit exactly where she intends them to.

  “Just think about it, yeah?” she says quickly before there’s a crashing at the front door and Dec and Liam both stumble into the room.

  Chapter Three

  The sun’s streaming through the window when I wake. I’m hot, covered in a sheen of sweat, and I’m hard as fucking steel. It doesn’t take much brainpower to know whom I was dreaming about. I woke up multiple times last night with the image of her in my head.

  Damn Liv for making me talk about her.

  Once I’ve had a very long and cold shower, I make my way down to the kitchen to get coffee. I told Dec I’d be at his surf shack first thing, but seeing as it’s almost ten am already, I guess he knows I’m going to be late.

  Not needing to get a job has been pretty great. It’s meant I’ve been able to help Dec out when he started his business and with renovating this house when he first bought it, but right now I could really do with a distraction that a career could give me.

  When I get to the kitchen, I find Liv sat with a mug in her hands, listening to Liam doing his morning radio show.

  “You know you don’t have to listen to him every morning, right?”

  “Fuck off,” she grunts, her cheeks heating with embarrassment from being caught. “How are you feel
ing?”

  Shrugging, I set about filling my mug.

  “Did you think about what I said?”

  I bite back my initial response because of course I fucking thought about what she said. I can’t get it—her—out of my damn head. I don’t get to answer because ringing distracts both of us.

  “Are you going to get that?”

  Reaching into my pocket, I pull my phone out. I don’t need to look at the screen to know who it is. I had two missed calls from Chris after my shower. The fact that he’s chosen not to leave voicemails this time has dread knotting my stomach. As much as I might try to ignore what’s happening in London, I know that I can’t. I also know that Mum and Lauren might not be coping as well as I hope they might be. Just because I’m glad the fucker’s dead, it doesn’t mean everyone will feel that way.

  “Well?” Liv prompts as I stand staring at it like it’s about to explode.

  Sucking in a breath, I swipe the screen and bring it to my ear.

  “Hello.”

  “I thought you were ignoring me,” is the first thing Chris says, but he doesn’t allow me any time to respond before diving straight into the reason for his call. “I need you to do something for me.”

  “What?” The knot tightens and I find myself leaning forward against the counter, waiting for his next words.

  “I need you to go to the office and find me a load of paperwork.”

  All the air rushes from my lungs. “Can’t anyone else do it?” Liv’s stare burns into my back but I refuse to turn and look at her.

  “Your mum and Lauren have enough going on. Neither of them has been to the office since…and I don’t want to make them. I don’t want either of them hurting more than they need to be right now.” The memories that have been haunting me hit me once again. Image after image of Lauren runs through my mind. My heart starts to race and my hands tremble. She’s not going to want me there, but fuck if I don’t need her.

  Clenching the fist of my free hand, I try to get myself together.

  “Ben, are you still there?”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m here. What is it you need?”

  Lowering the phone from my ear, I rest both my palms on the counter and hang my head, trying to catch my breath. I’ve always hoped this moment would come. That I’d have to go back. That I’d get a chance to reclaim what’s rightfully mine. But now the time’s here, I’m more terrified than I ever expected to be.

  “You’re going,” Liv states, the sound of her voice dragging me from my panic. Turning my head, I glance over my shoulder at her. Her eyes drill into me, her lips pressed into a hard line. “Whatever it is, the reason you’re so scared, you need to get over yourself and be there for Lauren and your mum.”

  “It’s been six years. Six long fucking years since he sent me away.

  “Fuck, Ben.” I wince at her use of my real name, and she doesn’t miss it.

  “I’ve had no contact with Mum or Lauren since that day. For all they know, I could be dead. I’ve no idea what’ll happen when I show my face.”

  She nods as she thinks. “You know you don’t have a choice, right? Do you want me to go with you?”

  “Thank you, but if I’m doing this, I should do it alone.”

  Getting up, she walks over and throws her arms around my waist. Dropping my head, I press a kiss to her hair and allow her warmth to ground me.

  “You’ve got this. Your mum needs you right now.”

  “And what about Lauren?”

  Liv blows out a breath. “If she loved you back then, then I’m sure she’ll love you even more now. Give yourself some credit—you’re a pretty good catch.”

  A lump forms in my throat and I have to fight the tears that sting my eyes. “Is that right?” I love her positivity, but I have a feeling none of what’s to come is going to be that easy.

  “Now, stop standing here wasting time with me. Go and get your girl.” After unwrapping her arms from me, she gives me a sweet, encouraging smile and pushes me in the direction of the stairs.

  I know I should be packing something, but the second I’m in my room, I just stand there. After years of locking everything down, fear of going back floods me. I can’t deny there isn’t a little excitement mixed in though. I’m desperate to know if they’re both okay, to just see them again and take in how much—or how little—has changed over the years.

  Instead of reaching for a bag, I pull open the drawer beside my bed and dig out my old phone. I took the SIM out the second I got on the train when I walked away that day. I believed every word of Nick’s threats, so I didn’t want to be traced. It’s why I left my car behind. I could never bring myself to get rid of the phone, though—not when it was full of photos of our short time together.

  I’m amazed when it turns on. It’s been quite a while since I caved to my need to see her face. I get the usual warning about not being able to connect to a network before I pull up the photos. My heart aches the second I look into her blue eyes. She looks so young and carefree, exactly how she should at eighteen. She only had the slightest inkling of what was going on around her, how much her dad was controlling every single part of her life. I knew she wanted to live in that house almost as much as I did, but also like me, she didn’t have a choice. Only it was for a very different reason. I refused to move out because I needed to ensure Mum was safe. She didn’t have a choice because her dad was an abusive, controlling wanker.

  Eventually, I get my arse in gear and I pack a duffle full of clothes. My entire body vibrates with nervous energy as I leave my room and make my way down the stairs. I’ve already had my life shattered once, but for some reason I feel like this is the beginning of me having to start over once again. Just this time, it could well be in the place I wanted to be the whole time.

  “Call me if you need anything,” Liv calls from the front door just as I’m about to climb into my car.

  “Thank you.” I really mean it. I’m not sure what I’d have done this last few days without her.

  I hoped the journey would give me the time to figure out what I was going to do once I got to London, but as I sit in my car in the street where the Johnson & Son’s office is, I’m no closer to knowing.

  I’ve no idea why Chris thought I should do this. I’ve no idea if I even know anyone who still works here. They might all think I’m some stranger trying to rob the place when I walk inside and start rummaging through Nick’s office.

  Erica was probably my closest friend in the years before leaving, but if she’s still here, she’ll probably hate me just as much as Mum and Lauren for walking away like I did. I’d rather not be on the wrong end of her fiery temper.

  Reading through the message Chris sent me earlier that lists everything he needs to get Nick’s estate in order, I blow out a steadying breath. I’m not stupid; he could have asked any one of the Johnson & Son’s employees to find this shit, but he knows me too well. He knew it would be the push I needed to get my arse up here.

  It’s now or never.

  Throwing the door open, I step out and get my first taste of fresh air since I left Devon hours ago.

  As I walk towards the building’s entrance, it’s like I’m twenty again. I’m suddenly struck with the memory of the night I surprised Lauren when her dad demanded she work late.

  I’d had plenty of indecent thoughts about bending her over her dad’s desk and fucking the life out of her, but fuck, the real thing was so much more than I ever could have imagined.

  That desk should have been mine. It had my name etched into it from the day I was born, but that motherfucker appeared in my life and trampled over everything that was meant to be. If I didn’t know that my dad had died of natural causes, I’d truly believe he’d had something to do with it just so he could step into his life and fill his shoes. Not that he’d ever been able to. Dad was a shrewd businessman; he loved this company almost as much as he loved Mum and me. Nick, on the other hand, was nothing but an untrustworthy scumbag. I didn’t have the time to figure o
ut what he was doing, but there were definitely dodgy dealings going on.

  The hallways are empty and my footsteps echo as I walk along the tiled floor to the office entrance. I try to focus on what I need to do and push the lingering memories from my mind.

  My plan is simple: go in, get what I need, and get out. I don’t want to cause any drama. Ideally, I’d like to not even be noticed, but I know that’s wishful thinking.

  Standing in front of the office door, I clench and unclench my fists in an attempt to ease the tension in my body.

  I push the door open, look ahead, and march into a space I know like the back of my hand. I basically grew up in this office. From as early as I can remember, I used to come to work with dad. I’d help him with his photocopying, shredding, and licking envelopes when I was a kid. I remember the hours I would spend listening to him and Mum talk about the goings on in the office and I’d soak it all up like a sponge, knowing that one day it was going to be mine. As the years went on, he showed me more and more, and by the time he died when I was fourteen, I already had a pretty good understanding of how the business worked. Knowing that in a few years I’d be able to keep his and my granddad’s legacy alive by taking over helped get me through losing both of them in quick succession.

  Then he swooped in and saved the day.

  Or so Mum thought.

  She looked at him like he was her knight in shining armour. As far as she could see, he dragged her from the dark pit of grief and depression she’d fallen into, and he’d rescued the business that was on the verge of collapse when she couldn’t deal with it alone.

  I saw through his façade. None of his actions were to help Mum or me; they were for his own benefit, his own gain. He was one selfish motherfucker.

  I was just a kid. There wasn’t all that much I could do about the tornado that was my stepdad, but Nick wasn’t aware that the company basically ran through my veins. He didn’t know that I was watching his every move and noting every questionable decision he made from a distance. I had every intention of bringing him down.